I'm a lousy singer. Can't dance either. I don't connect with music. Once—at a nightclub in Ibiza I'd been dragged into—someone asked me if I was the manager. That's painful. A night on the town with me is as lively as watching cacti grow.

"This comes with two sides," he said. I looked at him sheepishly. I was ordering the beef brisket. From the pit, barbecued for hours until the meat gets so tender that it falls apart. Smoky protein, as soft and delicate as a ripe peach,…

Driving in Florida is as dull as dishwater. To make the ride more interesting, I floor the accelerator of the huge brick-like rental at every traffic light until I reach 35 mph, then abruptly lift off. The car jerks and rocks. I can do this twice before my wife starts to grumble and my dog turns towards me…

I may have missed a few, but the first white marker I noticed before reaching Bartow must have been about 15 inches by 25 inches. It was attached to a black steel rod that was hammered into the ground on the side of the road, not higher than a foot off the mown grass. The sign…